It’s Complicated

I think I am part of the generation that was born just on the cusp of it being simple to get a job. You walked in, filled out an application, had an interview and bam, “You’re hired.”

Now you go into a place of business and are told that applications can only be filled out online. After you access the online job portal and fill out a ten page application, giving all information about yourself that you could possibly give short of what you intend to name a future pet, you receive a phone call to set up a phone interview two or three days from now.

Then you have a phone interview with the same person who called you earlier. (Why couldn’t we have just done the interview then? you wonder). They give you a detailed job description down to what kind of coffee they serve in the break room, explain the benefits offered so you know exactly how many hundreds of dollars will be taken out of your paycheck, and ask about your education. (College, hmm? Well, that’s nice). (Nice? you think. Nice?!?!)

Then you have an in-person interview where they love story time. “Tell me about a time you made your company look like the best company that ever existed.” You stutter for a few minutes before telling a story you think will pass and immediately forget what it was.

Then you have an interview with three to eight employees who sit across from you interrogation-room-style and ask, “What would you do if a customer punched you in the face?”

“Well, I’d thank him for taking the time to punch me, of course.” They’ll smile and jot something in the notebooks they’ve been scribbling in for the last half hour. (Good answer, you hear one of them whisper to another).

Then they offer you a job, but it’s not over yet. First you have to do a drug test in a town 40 minutes away. You can’t be late for your appointment, so you have to race from work on a full bladder. Even if the most deadly drug you’ve ever had is caffeine, you’re still paranoid that they’re going to find cocaine in your system. You start to feel sorry for the guys on Cops. (They really were wrongly accused!).

 A few days later, you fill out a health assesment and drive back to have a complete physical (even though you had one with your regular doctor a few months ago), and document all your medical and personal history. Now they know all the medications you take, that your grandpa died of heart disease, and that you’re currently reading Shantaram by David Gregory Roberts (because reading is one of your hobbies and you have to prove it).

You need a background check too, so you give them your driver’s license, and they find out you got in a car accident seven years ago because you had a bad day at work and the car in front of you had broken tail lights, so you couldn’t tell they were braking and turning in your state of distress.

You give them the year, make, and model of your current car so they can check to see that it’s not a stolen car and find out how you spend your money. (Guess they didn’t pay her well at her last job or she has too many student loans from her “college“).

Before you sign up for health insurance, you need a biometric screening so they can collect blood pressure, cholesterol, HDL, LDL, Triglycerides, fasting glucose, and a body composition measure. Now they know if you eat too much meat, how much you exercise, and how much you weigh. Smokers get a slap on the wrist and a $25.00 charge per paycheck. If you weigh too much, you have to sign up for Jenny Craig or get a $40.00 charge per paycheck. Better put down that cigarette and cookie.

Dinner was easy last night.


MorningStar veggie burger on an everything bagel with sharp cheddar, spinach, pickles, and creamy caper dill mustard.


And a side of leftover roasted veggies from the day before.


I texted Dave while he was at the store to let him know I was having a chocolate emergency. He doesn’t mess around.


Two “loaded” cookies, which I originally thought were doughnuts.


An oreo cupcake and a snickers cupcake.

I had a quarter of each of the cupcakes and broke off a small piece from each cookie. Chocolate crisis averted.

I think I’m going to change my job status to “it’s complicated.”


2 thoughts on “It’s Complicated

  1. First time blog visitor. So are you looking for a job? Or did you just get hired and are explaining the ridiculous process you went through? The waiting game is the WORST. I was lucky finding my last two positions.. I had two offers at the same time for each which was able to really expedite things. How on earth the stars aligned for that to happen? I’ll. Never. Know. Good luck on the search!

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